Thinking ABout Forgiveness III--From Mark 2

My point is that in order to understand the concept and realize the possibility of forgiveness, we need to analogize to something else with which we are familiar. I don't know if my analogy works perfectly, but I think it works much better than just urging people to "forgive others." So, using my analogy, our forgiving others when we have been wronged is like the process of a bone's healing when it is broken. In order for it to happen, we usually need the help of outside expertise and inner dedication. The "outsider" need not be a physician; it can be a counselor; a friend or many friends; a variety of those who bring their particular brand of expertise so that things can be "set aright." But then, we need to involve ourselves in "therapy"--whatever that is. It might not be as easy and crystal-clear as walking on the EFX machine or doing leg curls. In fact, I don't know all or even many of the ways we can get ourselves in the right mind-frame to forgive. But I am sure there are exercises/disciplines we can pursue.

But when all is said and done, and after a good long time at the rehabilitation process, it just may be that we can't forgive. It might be that the "bone" within us was so crushed that it will never be the same again, despite the most skillful interventions of physicians/friends and our most committed rehabilitation efforts. In other words, there may be times when it is impossible to let go the resentment that has built up. I can think that this might happen in two instances: either when the hurt was inflicted by those most intimate partners in our lives (parents/relatives/spouse) or when the hurt was most severe. Just as we see all kinds of people limping around, even though we might think that medical technology and personal discipline are available for them to "get well," yet people still are infirm and hobbled. The same is the case for forgiveness. Either because our injury was never "set" aright, or because we didn't "rehab" ourselves vigorously enough, or maybe because the breach was too severe or inflicted by people too close to us, many people are never able to "forgive" when emotional injury is inflicted.

What's a Preacher to Do?

So, faced with the realities I have laid out above, realities which only came to light because of the method I suggest, what is a preacher to do? Four things. First, recognize that the best way to preach on forgiveness is to analogize the hurt that one is supposed to forgive with the breaking of a limb. This will help us see the injury, need for help, time needed to heal, and possibility that things will go awry in the end. Second, try to create the conditions so that forgiveness might happen. We can get outside help (though we might not always need it); we can engage in certain rehabilitative disciplines; we realize things can take time. Third, don't exhort people to forgive each other. It is like saying, "Heal that broken arm!"--a quite useless thing to exhort. For those who say that since forgiveness is a matter of the mind (or that some of it is), then exhortations to forgive retain their validity and power. But I don't think so. We can only do about 1/3 of the things that go into forgiveness; nature and others must play their parts. Finally, do all you can to take away the possible feelings of guilt attendant upon a person's inability to forgive someone of a wrong suffered. You might not be able to forgive someone for very substantial and good reasons. Therefore, don't get hung up on the fact that you can't forgive someone. Either it will come, through some effort on your part, or it won't. If it doesn't, then don't let it (your inability to forgive another) ruin your life. You have better things to do with your life than worry about it.

I am not an exponent of holding grudges; rather, I am supportive of being more clear on what we are talking about before we (mostly uselessly) try to exhort people to forgive others or even themselves. That so many grudges continue to be maintained among people shows that forgiveness not only is an exceedingly difficult thing but that we also, in all probability, aren't thinking about it too clearly. I hope these essays contribute to the latter.

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